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Never Split the Difference | Chris Voss | Talks at Google

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Everything we’ve previously been taught about negotiation is wrong: people are not rational; there is no such thing as ‘fair’; compromise is the worst thing you can do; the real art of negotiation lies in mastering the intricacies of No, not Yes. These surprising tactics-which radically diverge from conventional negotiating strategy-weren’t cooked up in a classroom, but are the field-tested tools FBI agents used to talk criminals and hostage-takers around the world into (or out of) just about any scenario you can imagine.

In NEVER SPLIT THE DIFFERENCE: Negotiating As If Your Life Depended On It, former FBI lead international kidnapping negotiator Chris Voss breaks down these strategies so that anyone can use them in the workplace, in business, or at home.

This talk was moderated by Mairin Chesney.

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26 Mai 2016

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Comentários 1 250
mty1966
mty1966 2 anos atrás
0:00 Author Introduction 0:55 Story 2:20 2 important points from the story (1) There's a lot more space between "No" and "Yes" (2) What after "No" 4:50 What's the right approach after the "No"? 7:49 How is this empathy and "you understand" important in negotiation? - 8:22 The 3 approaches to conflict - fight, flight or make friends -3 styles - assertive, accommodator or make-friend and analytical, 10:12 Do people fall into one of the three categories or a combination? 11:13 Do you have to adapt your technique depending on who are you dealing with? 13:15 Question about speaker background 20:35 What about compromise in a negotiation...? 23:36 Do the same techniques apply to every negotiation? 27:56 Finding the unknown, unknown 34:20 How do negotiation techniques change when there is emotion entanglement involved?
XJ-Icequeen
XJ-Icequeen 2 meses atrás
Thanks! This will help me with my reflection
Aaron Johnstone
Aaron Johnstone 3 meses atrás
This is goal
arthur murfitt
arthur murfitt 4 meses atrás
Thx!
Jackie Anne
Jackie Anne 8 meses atrás
Doing God's work thank you 💖
Salar Javed
Salar Javed 11 meses atrás
you rock
David R.
David R. 6 anos atrás
Very informative. Chris's humility and respect for others come across as important traits too.
Steve Ross
Steve Ross 6 anos atrás
I have already tried two of the approaches in the book--both of them seemingly counter-intuitive--and they both worked! I'm going to be reading it again and taking more notes.
Roy
Roy Anos atrás
@S S areeee bhai. That was a Black Swan! I didn't expect you to be a Bengali. Cheers!
S S
S S Anos atrás
@Roy thik bolechis
Roy
Roy Anos atrás
@S S it's so good that I will buy the hardcover version to pay him the fee for what he taught me. I have been reading his book from a paperback edition. It's all out of respect for this guy's strategy and his service to his nation.
Huide Zhu
Huide Zhu Anos atrás
@S S it’s worth every cent
Huide Zhu
Huide Zhu Anos atrás
@S S it’s worth every cent
Michael Hart
Michael Hart 3 anos atrás
Ever since I read this book, I actively seek out conflict. I think it backfired. 😂
Angel
Angel 6 meses atrás
😂😂
Jeetu Singh
Jeetu Singh 7 meses atrás
@Christian Yates l9plpp ll o
MJL Digital
MJL Digital Anos atrás
"With these powers I can.. WORK FOR WORLD PEACE! But first..." - The Mask 🤣🤣
Anders Bjorklund
Anders Bjorklund Anos atrás
Lmfao 😂
qid idah
qid idah 2 anos atrás
The more emotionally invested you are the harder it is to negotiate.
bigblocklawyer
bigblocklawyer 3 anos atrás
Pretty insightful. Much of this is practised by world-class litigators every day. There are few times in life where negotiating to convince a jury not to send your client to prison for life, without parole, is more intense. And we only get to talk at them. Not getting feedback is much more difficult but that's where reading body language is key.
Josh Yates
Josh Yates 6 anos atrás
"If anyone has ever felt stressed, you have just taken yourself hostage." - Chris Voss
Heather King
Heather King 2 anos atrás
@crustum cremo Yea about the lying about the facts - time and time again I have seen this happen just so usually in my experience a weak guy can look like he is right, even though he is factually incorrect. They should look in the mirror when they speak or replay the scenario back to see how dumb they look.
Jerry Lisby
Jerry Lisby 2 anos atrás
@Mac Tireliath are you ok?
Jean Rich
Jean Rich 3 anos atrás
@crustum cremo "That's just how it works" usually the sign of a bad assumption. Speaking for the entire history of man is pretty arrogant bruh. Give positivity a chance to breathe. So y'all two bitter guys are saying all the selfless acts in the history of humanity are basically "write my name like this in the history books" right.....
Josh Yates
Josh Yates 3 anos atrás
@ironman5454 we all stand on the shoulders of giants.
ironman5454
ironman5454 3 anos atrás
@Josh Yates ""If somebody is talking to you, then you have something they want." 'Carl Jung 101'
PHILL MOO
PHILL MOO 2 anos atrás
“Anybody that has ever felt stress has taken themselves hostage because they were worried about losing something...” Super perceptive statement and very true. I also feel Robert Deniro (even though his voice is more similar to Al Pacino) channeled him in the movie heat 👍 “(never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn’t take something better)”
Kinga Gorski
Kinga Gorski 9 meses atrás
I appreciate how Chis answers literally every question with a story from his own many experiences that demonstrates his approach. So good.
Anthony Franck
Anthony Franck 6 anos atrás
"Ask the right person, do what they tell you to do." - Chris Voss Great stuff, I just bought the book!
Gilly Mac
Gilly Mac 5 anos atrás
Hi, how was the book?Has it made a significant change to your lifestyle?(I'm considering buying to help with assertiveness&more sincere communication)🕊
Steve Igi
Steve Igi 2 anos atrás
This was profound: There is an emotional component to every decision we make. We make a decision based on what we care about, therefore, what you care about is an emotion.
Karen Gates
Karen Gates 7 meses atrás
Love how you demonstrate everyday situations and highlight where we can go wrong. Always very engaging due to your philosophy on empathy making it so much easier to apply and retain your teachings. Thank you
Puneet Kataria
Puneet Kataria 6 anos atrás
Loved the insights on fair and honesty of the trade. Connected so well with my core values. Was blessed to be taught to never lie by my parents and never had to wait for my ethics class. Thank you for this lovely talk @Chris Voss. Please keep them coming. You've got a new fan here.
Gernot Hassenpflug
Gernot Hassenpflug Anos atrás
A captivating talk, great to see such a competent moderator, both smart and well-prepared, and in addition also clearly intensely interested. Awesome!
TheNorthWolf
TheNorthWolf 3 anos atrás
"if someone is talking to you, youve got something they want. Period." damnnnn love the simplicity of that quote
Charlie Tian
Charlie Tian 3 meses atrás
this is obviously not true in general
zoejane flamingo
zoejane flamingo Anos atrás
@Bibin B. Cherian Couldn't agree more!
EmJayEl
EmJayEl 2 anos atrás
@Super Chuck Agreed
Super Chuck
Super Chuck 2 anos atrás
​@EmJayEl You are the one that mentioned evil. I just said the politician wants something. You have to listen to what the politician wants to determine the intent. Does the politician want clean air and water? Does the politician want to end wars? Or does the politician want to tax and then spend the money on pet projects to social engineer? People need to judge!
EmJayEl
EmJayEl 2 anos atrás
@Super Chuck that doesn't always mean it's evil.
Pursuit of Possibility
This talk inspired me to be more empathetic with my customers and create a sales experience where they are left satisfied with the way that they arrived at their decision to buy or not. I’m going to get his book 100%
Dream Launch
Dream Launch 2 anos atrás
Great talk. we are attempting to let our followers know that life is one big negotiation. This video was very helpful.
Michael M
Michael M 3 anos atrás
Loved listing to Chris. Such useful information we can all use in our day to day life.
arthur murfitt
arthur murfitt 4 meses atrás
Thank you Chris, I’ve learned so much in just a little bit of BRvid I have seen of you, looking forward to finding more about what you teach.
bmo
bmo 4 anos atrás
Great talk. Says a lot about what drives us. The "never lie" part was interesting.
Rosanna Miller
Rosanna Miller 3 anos atrás
I am learning so much. I love these talks. Thank you, Mr. Voss!!
Virgie Mata
Virgie Mata 11 meses atrás
He said its harder to negotiate with someone close to you. I guess we get emotional with someone close to us that closes our brain to think effectively. But once we are done and over the person, we are less emotional and able to negotiate better because we know that other person more than anyone does. I experience this. Awesome speaker. Thank you very much.
Imre
Imre 2 anos atrás
0:00 Author Introduction 0:55 Story 2:20 2 important points from the story (1) There's a lot more space between "No" and "Yes" (2) What after "No" 4:50 What's the right approach after the "No"? 7:49 How is this empathy and "you understand" important in negotiation? - 8:22 The 3 approaches to conflict - fight, flight or make friends -3 styles - assertive, accommodator or make-friend and analytical, 10:12 Do people fall into one of the three categories or a combination? 11:13 Do you have to adapt your technique depending on who are you dealing with? 13:15 Question about speaker background 20:35 What about compromise in a negotiation...? 23:36 Do the same techniques apply to every negotiation? 27:56 Finding the unknown, unknown 34:20 How do negotiation techniques change when there is emotion entanglement involved?
L. R.
L. R. 3 anos atrás
My 39yr old daughter says I'm a natural negotiator with people. I felt that was the nicest compliment ive ever recd from my kids! Love it!
Keith Worrell
Keith Worrell 3 anos atrás
Book changed my life. Best quote as I remember, "if someone seems 'crazy', this is a sure sign that something you don't know that you don't know is making all the difference in the world".
Marrs101
Marrs101 Anos atrás
Or they are just crazy. Don't fall for the hype. Reading one book doesn't mean you are expert in the field. Most times crazy people are just crazy and better avoiding them.
Roy
Roy Anos atrás
Damn! I noted it.
Sophon
Sophon 6 anos atrás
Wow. He nailed the explanation of the assertive type. I thought I was the only one who thinks like this. If I'm confident the other person fully understands my perspective and they STILL disagree, I'm inclined to take on their perspective.
Z C
Z C Anos atrás
I'm similar too. Thing is that I would also require the person to actually explain the reason for their perspective. Beyond listening and disagreeing only.
Amanda Powell
Amanda Powell 3 anos atrás
Mahir Siraji about 8:50-9:00 I think?
Mahir Siraji
Mahir Siraji 4 anos atrás
what time was it?
Zed Nine
Zed Nine 29 dias atrás
8:44 - wow, this is exactly it! It's more important that you understand our thoughts and reasoning than you agree with us. It's fine to disagree, but if there is not mutual understanding then there can never be progress or problem resolution. I read his book; it was great. But this succinct comment he made on the video now is really key.
Gitsum
Gitsum 6 anos atrás
Heard an interview with Chris Voss a while back, and before it was over I was on Amazon ordering it. Highly recommended.
railspony
railspony Anos atrás
@MJL Digital Good news: I didn't ask you anything. And lessons you learned for yourself, not for others... you don't need to talk about.
MJL Digital
MJL Digital Anos atrás
@railspony I hope you've bought the book and read it. At the very least the audio version. If you haven't, don't ask me questions about the lessons I've learned. I learned them for me, not for you. You have to do your own learning.
Heart Healthy Hustle by Jonathan Frederick
did you read it!?
railspony
railspony 3 anos atrás
@Jean Rich If you're not sure, it might be functionally equivalent.
Joe B
Joe B 3 anos atrás
railspony uhm why don’t you tell us
Maruan - Business Experte für Kreativ & IT-Branche
I loved the audiobook so much, that i did buy the physical book afterward. It even directly helped me with my upcoming project negotiations as a freelance designer! Thank you so much Chriss Voss!
Camel Moon
Camel Moon 3 anos atrás
Amazing how much of this plays in everyday life. Everyone should watch this, if only to better themselves.
JustWatching2
JustWatching2 3 anos atrás
Chris Thank You, I read 3 chapters from his book that i got at the library and i had to buy it on amazon a hardcover. It took away so much stress from my job. I have gotten better and calmer and i do not know anyone with a more stressful job than a debt collector
gernm18
gernm18 3 anos atrás
quit that and do something good for the world
Brett Weir
Brett Weir 3 anos atrás
Lol
James Kyle
James Kyle 3 anos atrás
True that!
lin aerial
lin aerial 2 anos atrás
1. start with no 2. is it bad time to talk? 3. summerize: get the counterpart to say that's right 4. 3 types: conservative, analytical, accomadator(talk more, think, mad) 5. suicide hotline 6. hostage communication:call back 7. felt stressed: end of the world pattern 8. rationalize:why you want what you want: tell me why you want it X vulnerabilities label techniques (close the information gap) V 9. empathy the tool and assertive 10. detecting deceptions unknown unknown: holding cards the other side unknown 11. you are right-shut up you that's right 12. angry at me: accusation audit指責 seem like im being a jerk, seems like ive been fair, it seems like you sound angry 13. the negotiator: movie lie X 14. how to start - where you coming from: - listen to you first - information whats going on in your world 15. sb talk to you, you got sth they want 16.money, recognition, publicity fear of loss drive us mostly 17. time is fair: cut the loss and move on
Galactic Plastic
Galactic Plastic Anos atrás
37:56 - 40:46 *Lying* was never a great choice, it hurts in the long run unless you cut your/their feet & being a hard bargainer is a melting candle, respect the relationship then you'll go further 40:47 - 42:06 Get to know something new about them , lay a common ground & share some thoughts 42:07 - 43:24 When someone talks to you, you probably have something they need . . even attention counts, time spent too might lead to relationships 45:34 - 48:58 Act not by being in the interaction but act by those who are observing it & don't leave a leaking faucet especially if you've caused it, the droplets summed up the longer it's left unfixed You've been beaten Psychologically, but no need to eat an expensive fruit that starts to rot, go find a new one: *Move on*
Nicki Guest
Nicki Guest 3 anos atrás
Great interview! I have read Chris's book a few times already n have been employing his techniques. The trick is to remember to use his teqnique once u have been triggered to respond, which is not always easy. For me when my gf is being difficult with me. I get triggered n upset n forget to use Chiss's tecniques, but then after the argument is done n im sitting there thinking; where did i go wrong? Thats when it hits me! I should have asked "HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO DO THAT?" Or used some other technique condusive to my desired results. I finally rememered to use his teqnique in a time of contention. She was being difficult and unreasonable with her demands. So with a calm FM DJ voice I asked "How am I supposed to do that?". Then used an effective pause. Her face softened n it was as if she had jumped in my shoes n walked me through the problem. Upon verbalizing n realizing that it was an unreasonable request I was immediately released from the hook n told not to worry about it. Yay! I was so happy I was able to avoid an argument n even come out on top. Nowadays I like to ask no orientated questions to get what I want cause she is very sensitive to reverse pychology. If I say "we should do this", she automatically wants to do the opposite. But if i say "Is it a bad idea to do this" because there is a chance she may already want to, she will probably give me a reason why it may be bad so i understand her situation but will eventually succumb to the idea upon her "own" percieved terms. hehehe! ;) She is my rock which I Sharpen my skills on n she doesnt even know it :) Now I have started to employ these techniques with my boss, my teenage son n life in general n I am gettjng tremendous results. Its like I have a super power. I can talk people through a situation or problem guiding them to the solution or results that im looking for n it is becoming easier n easier everyday! Thank you Chris! Your a genius and a life saver. Once understood, your techniques are simple and effective to employ. The most powerful technique that Chris has reminded me of is that. PEOPLE JUST WANT TO BE HEARD N UNDERSTOOD! Thank you! Sincerely, Wass.
dreamervanroom
dreamervanroom 2 anos atrás
You are a winner. It looks like she's a winner too. The other two replies didn't understand. Don't let the bad guys drag you down. I really appreciate hearing about your improvement in situation. Now it's 20/20 sis stay safe and have a good life.
SirVelka
SirVelka 2 anos atrás
I don’t think using tricks on your girlfriend is good but if you’re both happy cool lol
Kelly Louiseize
Kelly Louiseize 2 anos atrás
The more emotionally invested you are the harder it is to negotiate.
AN NGUYEN
AN NGUYEN 2 anos atrás
true.
Anneke Rotterdam
Anneke Rotterdam 2 anos atrás
Read: Daniel Goleman.....
CK Lee
CK Lee 8 meses atrás
The help of a tutor and school First of all, it is grateful that we got a lot of help from our tutor Dr. Kim. In the beginning, we were confused about the topic, and she encouraged us to explore more. With her help, we decided our issue was focused on M&A. Due to our unfamiliar on the submission procedure of the capstone project topic and the problem of selecting the case, Dr. Kim responded to us immediately to make us submit our issue on time. When we finished our mid-term report, she gave us a lot of comments on the content and structure of the report. For example, she pointed out that we should describe all the table data if we add them to our range. She told us that it is crucial to make a clear introduction for the project, "What are your research questions?", all these comments gave us guidance to modify and revise our project. Moreover, the school also gave us a lot of help. It held some relative topic lectures to make us have a better understanding of the area we would explore. The structure of the capstone project is helpful. It has an initial meeting report, two report marking schemes, and a peer evaluation form. The peer evaluation form helps us identify our groupmates' contributions on the topic, what problem you went through in your project and how to solve it with your groupmates. It is essential to reflect on yourself after the completion of the project.
Steve Clarke
Steve Clarke 3 anos atrás
I think that the underlying point in all of this is that the people who can help you are often the very same people who can hurt you. From that perspective, empathy is fundamental to giving you the roadmap to understanding how you can reach a mutually helpful position in any negotiation or even average conversations. Mirroring is a brilliant way of overtly showing your counterpart empathy. I love it. Chris's book and his speaking engagements have totally changed my life.
ForgottenKnight1
ForgottenKnight1 3 anos atrás
I like the "black swan" references. I've also found it in Taleb's works ( can't remember if he's the author or not of this term ), but a black swan is basically an event, that happens rarely, it is unpredictable, and has an immense downside, just like an armed robbery with hostages. Happens probably once in 1 or 2 decades, but the maximum possible downside is a lot of people injured or/and murdered. I can see why for the negotiator this job is so difficult. His downside is zero (z-e-r-o). He's not the one standing on his knees with a gun on his head and a blindfold around his eyes, getting beaten and probably tortured. He's the one on the phone, away from all harm and danger. Yet, he needs to think the situation like he'd negotiate his own life. Else, he'll be sniffed as a fraud and the consequences are well, I've told you already.
Random Roadster
Random Roadster 4 meses atrás
Voss uses Black Swan as an unknown unknown that changes the entire dynamic of a potential deal once discovered.
Gary Host
Gary Host 3 anos atrás
It's also referred to on the stock market. Same meaning. Rare and unforseen event with tremendous consequences. Ie huge fall or rise of market
Howie Qian
Howie Qian Anos atrás
Provided me with useful advice when speaking and negotiating. I would say in context of hostage, if someone is talking to you, he wants something from you. In other situation is different. For example, sometimes, people like emotional connection. If he wants to say hi and cares about you, he may not want anything back from you. It's like having a dog, we care about our puppy and want our puppy to live happy. We don't expect our puppy to do anything for us except loving us back.
jenbee
jenbee 2 anos atrás
Hi Mr. Voss. I wanted to give credit where credit is due. You are blessed with insight from above. Thank you for helping me. And all of the people that you've helped. It is a true pleasure to see someone living their purpose. God bless you.
above all odds
above all odds 3 anos atrás
I love Chris and how he lays it out! Thanks #Google!
Tman
Tman 3 anos atrás
What Voss refers to as "high value trades" is also known more generally as "integrative negotiation", which is the opposite of bargaining or "splitting the difference". That said, bargaining, or "distributive negotiation" does have a place in certain types of negotiation, as do "hardball tactics", but generally, he is right. In most cases, you want to steer clear of that stuff. Unfortunately, our commander in chief, Imperial Orange, doesn't have a clue as to how integrative negotiation works, it's all bargaining style using hardball tactics, and the results are pathetic and obvious.
Patricio Ansaldi
Patricio Ansaldi 3 anos atrás
I'd beg to differ, well at least with some stuff. for example I think he handles the international stuff more in line with Voss' teachings
cesarisam
cesarisam 5 anos atrás
Excelent way of delivering great information.
Last Percent
Last Percent 2 anos atrás
Every other line from that interview can be used as a life advice quote. Amazing!
pmam1968
pmam1968 3 anos atrás
This talk was phenomenal.
Ameg
Ameg 6 anos atrás
i enjoyed every part of it!!! hoping he comes back with more speeches.
Damian Gibson
Damian Gibson 3 anos atrás
I’ve been trying this for about a month. I haven’t had any one say “that’s right” maybe it’s the difference between how the UK/US language differs but have had people say “exactly” for example. Does that count? Overall I do feel that I now have a proper strategy for approaching negotiations.
Damian Gibson
Damian Gibson 3 anos atrás
I thought so but wanted to be sure I wasn’t misinterpreting it. Thanks.
Farles Barkley
Farles Barkley 3 anos atrás
Yes, in conversation a response of "exactly" is basically complete agreement. If you say something, and they respond with "exactly", consider that to mean "that is right". Think of it as "that is exactly right" cut down to just the word "exactly"
Vulpeculae
Vulpeculae 5 anos atrás
Twenty minutes into this talk, and I've said "that's right" at least five times so far.
Robert Higgins
Robert Higgins 7 meses atrás
37:27 I tried this tonight with my wife, and it worked. Thank you Chris Voss. After a terse exchange... I said, "It's Friday night, I come home late, and you probably think I am some big jerk just looking to cause problems," In my "Late night DJ voice" and she said... ..."That's right" then we hugged and problem was solved.
Peter Bell
Peter Bell 3 anos atrás
. Inspiring quote from Chris Voss for you, "Well, the problem with that kind of an approach is if you hammer somebody in a negotiation, they're going to wait for the rest of their life to pay you back. And you don't hammer people that you never see again. There's no such thing as a one-off. They're going to be people that stay in your world one way or another, either your day to day life or they will see you again. So you want to negotiate successfully with people where afterwards they call you up on the phone and they say, nice job. Nice job." brvid.net/video/video-guZa7mQV1l0.html
Mikko Rantalainen
Mikko Rantalainen Anos atrás
Great talk! I actually watched this twice to make sure I didn't miss anything.
Alan Bequette
Alan Bequette 2 anos atrás
Fantastic talk. Too many “ah ha” moments to NOT pick up his book! What a great manual for life. Thanks Chris Voss for sharing this. 🍻🍻
LazerC4
LazerC4 2 anos atrás
Sue Sweetman I agree his delivery is quirky, but honestly I am listening more to the content and giving him a break on his presentation. Also, his strange delivery is entertaining (in my opinion).
Sue Sweetman
Sue Sweetman 2 anos atrás
@LazerC4 I hope he writes better than he speaks.
LazerC4
LazerC4 2 anos atrás
I want to get his book now too. I just watched his “MasterClass” and its the best money I have spent in a long time...
Dan Eustace
Dan Eustace 6 anos atrás
Have been involved with negotiations and helping people do better negotiations for a while. This video was clear and even more powerful that the book which I just finished. I have shared it and use this as a prime resource.
Build Fix Break
Build Fix Break 3 anos atrás
Initially, I thought this gent would be advocating being a hardliner. I was wrong. This is a positive thing. For instance, when in a negotiation for anything, offering a "palm branch" can turn the whole thing around. If they see you have skin in the game and you understand they're side, you've turned a major corner. Then, if you can help them to agree with your circumstances, you're nearly there.
qid idah
qid idah 2 anos atrás
"If anyone has ever felt stressed, you have just taken yourself hostage." - Chris Voss
PuntOnFourth
PuntOnFourth 9 meses atrás
Voss is an Enigma inside of a Black Swan. This man changed my approach to dealing. With People. “It only works with People”
00Noontide
00Noontide 2 anos atrás
Good guy! Saving to get access to his master class
tabaks
tabaks 3 anos atrás
I feel that empathy in response to "that's right" is truly a magical helper!
John
John Anos atrás
You may have something a person wants if they are talking to you. But don’t deceive yourself in thinking that you are the only person available to them that has it. Use it wisely.
The Gut Punch
The Gut Punch 4 anos atrás
Chris is dropping Never Have To Worry About Money Again level jewels. Fantastic
T Willy
T Willy 3 anos atrás
37:40 Im humbled by his honesty in personal negotiations.
J T
J T 4 anos atrás
My question is, if fear of failure drives us how can we control our fear of losing a relationship? My tendency is to always want to be nice to the other side to preserve a good relationship but then I don't get as good a deal as I could have if I had played hard ball. Any advice?
Patricio Ansaldi
Patricio Ansaldi 3 anos atrás
being nice doesn't get you anywhere, that is the problem. playing hardball only works when the outcomes are clearly defined. you have to find the middle path. understand what you are getting out of the relationship and know that it's not all on you. the right person will want to give you what you need, it shouldn't have to resort to any sort of "negotiation" to keep the relationship itself going. what are you really afraid of failing? a failed relationship is one that is not fruitful/fulfilling to both partners. we can't mold someone into being something they are not. so this all comes down to what kind of relationship we are talking about here, and most importantly, it depends on the people involved. the only way to control your fear of losing a relationship is to understand yourself and why you feel that way, being totally honest with yourself. if you understand the conditions clearly, then you should not be surprised by the results. I think honesty is probably the hardest part, the people with the most problems I notice are the ones who do not know themselves and this is caused by conscious or unconscious deception of ones self.
Etienne Meyer
Etienne Meyer 6 anos atrás
Great talk!!! Really enjoyed it.
James A. Walters
James A. Walters 3 anos atrás
I wish I knew this stuff when I was eighteen back in 1978 my life would have been so much simpler to date.
A Comment
A Comment 2 anos atrás
James A. Walters like, how so?
Sea Vista
Sea Vista 2 anos atrás
I learned a lot from listening to him....Thanks for posting....
Alex S
Alex S 6 anos atrás
I bet this guy does the best Christopher Walken impression
PuntOnFourth
PuntOnFourth 9 meses atrás
Pretty shitty. But I can do an “Iowa-NYC” one..
SEA
SEA Anos atrás
@Mark Neri Exactly what I thought. He has very similar way of speaking, hand gestures and even voice
Nonquack
Nonquack Anos atrás
I wrote the same thing on another video with him
Antonia Mendonca
Antonia Mendonca Anos atrás
Holy shit 😂 I didn't think of it 😀
alex tallen
alex tallen Anos atrás
@Mark Neri definitely Al Pacino
Michael Eli
Michael Eli 3 anos atrás
Great interview and great interviewer!
Robert Higgins
Robert Higgins 7 meses atrás
I stumbled into "negotiation" / "empathy" as an elementary teacher. A kid walked in my class in the morning completely pissed off. I knew he was about to cause issues for the day. I asked him what was wrong. He didn't say anything. I said "I am curious because you seem upset." He said that morning his mom got him in trouble for something he didn't do. I replied, "I get it. That is the worst when my mom would do that to me, too. what happened" All of a sudden, he unclenched his fists, the anger on his face left, and he told me his story and had a good rest of the day. I am reading "Never Split the Difference" a second time and searching him on youtube for more insights he has. Good stuff in this video.
Doug Wedel
Doug Wedel 29 dias atrás
I just started reading Katherine Manning's book The Empathetic Workplace. I thought it would be a feel good book about how I can put people at ease. But it's hard hitting, talking about trauma. I tell people she talks about trauma but all I have in my life is drama and melodrama. But what she teaches is helpful for everyone I talk to. And it helps me recognize and let people open up when they talk about trauma, or drama. Listening is one of the hardest and useful things we can learn. This backs up everything you say in Never Split The Difference. You started me on a long journey of daily reading books and watching videos like this one. It can be a LOT OF WORK! :) But the return on the investment on my time is amazing. Thanks so much!
John Murphy
John Murphy 5 anos atrás
Kids can listen to the mechanics of anything and learn little and not be at fault. This topic requires years of results-based interpersonal experience to become an effective negotiator. A couple basics: 1. It's more productive to negotiate with another negotiator. 2. Always be empathetic toward your negotiating partner's position because it's the situation (and not some mutual career path) that found you both. -Murphy
Axl Rose
Axl Rose Anos atrás
21:35 "Never be so sure of what you want that you wouldn't take something better." I really like that
Enoch Brown
Enoch Brown 2 anos atrás
Really enjoyed this talk. Thank you Mr. Voss and Google.
Garrett Sasser
Garrett Sasser 3 anos atrás
"cutting my losses and moving on is a smarter move. I'm not saying I can always do it." That's reaching deep.
PushPullPp
PushPullPp 3 anos atrás
I hear this all the time .."You hear what I'm saying? Ya hear what I'm saying?" People want to feel heard and understood. The harder one is when they say "You don't understand" or "You could never understand ..."
Things With Strings
Things With Strings 2 anos atrás
If you've completely understood their motivations, and they understand that you understand said motivations, and you've gotten them to say "that's right" to something, and they still flat out refuse to work with you towards a better solution, then what? What do you do???
DA Pao
DA Pao 2 anos atrás
Work around it. Understanding doesn't mean you get the YES. Its just meant you understood their position.
ToniSkit
ToniSkit 6 anos atrás
Saying ¨you´re right¨ to someone doesn't have to mean that you are dismissing the person. In fact in nonconformist Adam Grant (another speaker on google talks) uses it as a way of instilling confidence in one´s team. Building up the team, giving them more responsibilities, and so forth. Also used in a book called the charisma myth.
Josuard Alex Gonzales
I just want to share something I learned from His different talk. His context You’re right is different from that’s right That’s right is an “epiphany” feeing vs an agreement. Like OHHHHHHHH THATS RIGht If you’re not getting that epiphany response yet , it’s not his version of “that’s right” yet Ty
Z C
Z C Anos atrás
Different disciplines providing different understandings of the same thing in different context. Thanks for sharing!
Mark J
Mark J 2 anos atrás
44:52 "Most people don't like to be laughed at ... Ridicule seems to be the one thing they don't like.." - Simple but powerful point for anyone running a business. I walked into a vacuum cleaner store in my city to ask if they have a clear plastic vacuum head (they also sell parts) - The store owner scoffed at said "No! I don't know why anyone would want something like that!" My first thought was "This guy is treating me like I'm a moron", and I said "Well I want one!" (emphasising the 'I') "Anyway, that's fine. Bye" The guy had no other customers there....it is a quiet little store...and if he had been a little more mannerly and ASKED me WHY I wanted it, he would have found out that I have a wet&dry shop vac I use for extracting water when cleaning car seats and wanted to be able to SEE how much water was being extracted and if it was dirty or clean....so there was a GOOD reason...yet he was more focus on ridiculing me - Amazing that a store owner can be so short-sighted as to ridicule customers. Why didn't he try sell me something else or offer to order me in something like that....E.g. SELL me something - Even if he had to help to give me right then, if he had been nicer, I might go back at some point for other stuff....but I won't be returning. Coincidentally another vacuum store in the city (the second of 2) did a similar thing a few years previous when I was looking for a specific part to fix a central vacuum system...He didn't last long ... he had a terrible reputation for being a jerk...his Yelp review are awful LOL
A *
A * 3 anos atrás
Could the "That's Right." approach also work in reverse? Meaning-- instead of wanting to direct the other person to a 'that's right' conclusion about what you just said---- Could YOU --at some point in the conversation-- say '"That's Right" as a way of unconsciously and consciously 'bonding' with them-- or getting them to see that you're actually on their side by agreeing with what they said --- even though perhaps you may not have?
Let There Be Fish
Let There Be Fish 2 anos atrás
You could, but if you don’t really agree with their point, then you’re breaking his number one rule. You’re lying.
314159someguy
314159someguy 3 anos atrás
Yes, and you'll notice that Chris does this, but it's less powerful than the one he was stressing, precisely because it can be faked more easily.
Rhae Roberts
Rhae Roberts 3 anos atrás
I am in LOVE!!!! Your mind is truly amazing! I could listen forever! Learned sooo much! Thank You!
Ken Williams
Ken Williams 3 dias atrás
Bad guy duty statement:- murdering, raping, head chopping. "How was your day at the office, dear?"
Joanne Alford
Joanne Alford 6 anos atrás
I loved listening to Chris, the content is refreshingly honest and the accent is charming.
Rory McCallion
Rory McCallion 3 anos atrás
Great interviewer, great questions. Him: "there are three types of people." Her: "can there be combinations?" Him: *clarifies and expands original idea*.
insidiousmaximus
insidiousmaximus Anos atrás
@Baby Face imagine her in bed! or rather....don't
Baby Face
Baby Face Anos atrás
god shes so fucking annoying
Not A Doctor, Shh
Not A Doctor, Shh 2 anos atrás
lol, total nerd
dentonet2
dentonet2 2 anos atrás
For some reason I thought that was overly annoying.
Amber
Amber 3 anos atrás
I've read his book and I'm still taking notes over here as I watch this
Anca D
Anca D 6 anos atrás
I am reading his book right now. I almost wish I didn't buy it (not really!) because this talk is basically the entire book :P And I don't necessarily agree with NOT compromising. I think that at times, in special circumstances, compromising is the best option. Look at how dysfunctional Congress is because the two sides are not willing to compromise.
Kitchener Leslie
Kitchener Leslie 3 anos atrás
@Claire Rodriguez Most of our Representatives ARE compromised. Our system is compromised. This is not America as described in the Constitution and the further away we get from it, the more it suffers. We're not supposed to have a standing army or a direct tax... yet we have them. The percent you're taxed is the exact percentage of how much of a slave you are. Think about it.
Claire Rodriguez
Claire Rodriguez 4 anos atrás
Actually Congressional problems, you could argue, are problems because of compromising. Think about how bills are passed and laws are made. People get all kinds of things passed in a bill that have nothing to really do with the bill in exchange for their vote. That's why these bills are a million pages long and all of a sudden something that couldn't get passed before suddenly get passed.
Anca D
Anca D 6 anos atrás
@TAR ICO I suggest checking into a mental institution. Not calling you mental...but... Just saying...
TAR ICO
TAR ICO 6 anos atrás
How do you know when someone's lying? Well, while I've been writing this I've also been reading your comment. OMG, I just did it. And I'm not lying!! My typing speed slowed down tremendously, but I did it. Still doing it. OMG!! Usually you can't read a book while you're typing. Just saying. Not calling you a liar. But.
A Mishel
A Mishel 3 anos atrás
When they say “that’s right”. They acknowledge that you have “heard” them, i.e., understood their point of view. So guess what these criminals want, above all else, is to be heard (understood)
JulesLeFumiste
JulesLeFumiste Anos atrás
That's a very naive and wistful thing to say. Losers want to be understood, those who play power games want power. If your criminal happens to be the former - well then maybe perhaps? However, there's a strong correlation between the psychopathic traits and tendency to commit 'high functioning' crimes - for a terrorist organisation's leader who puts hostages at the gunpoint, the empathy would either leave him nonplussed, or worse, it could appear as a threat
Anneke Rotterdam
Anneke Rotterdam 2 anos atrás
@Ekta Shah True!!!
Ekta Shah
Ekta Shah 3 anos atrás
A Mishel and essentially that’s what any person wants. It’s human nature to want our voice heard. One only has to go on fb any given day and see the political bickering to see that point or people airing their whole lives for the world who largely don’t care to see that truth.
LinYouToo
LinYouToo 3 anos atrás
Brilliant! What a genuine man. Also, at 37:58 notice how he tilts his head sideways. This is a somewhat submissive posture which gives the power to the other person. I can’t help but wonder if he did that deliberately as she prepared to ask him the question.
Firearms Training Central
It pains me to say this about a google employee, but this interviewer was outstanding, especially for her relative age.
DA Pao
DA Pao 2 anos atrás
@utewbing That's the point bud. The interviewer should let the guest talk. I hated the other video with Lewis whatever crap. The interview with the guest was too interactive or just too centered on the interviewer instead of the guest.
LegacyAftermath
LegacyAftermath 2 anos atrás
...young
Biljana S
Biljana S 2 anos atrás
... and what is her relative age?
Wayne Sanders
Wayne Sanders 3 anos atrás
She's the spitting image of what I imagine employees at Google are like.
Steve Igi
Steve Igi 2 anos atrás
These types of comments are the reason why I read the comments.
Buck Wheat
Buck Wheat 2 anos atrás
All the negative judgmental A holes. What did you accomplish by the time you was her age?Theres 2 ways to have the biggest house in the neighborhood ,burn all the rest down or build the biggest. You’ll don’t know anything about this lady, You sound like fools!
Gita Balakumar
Gita Balakumar 2 anos atrás
Her interviewing skills are atrocious
Joe Hoe
Joe Hoe 2 anos atrás
She does not work at Google.
olanmills64
olanmills64 2 anos atrás
@utewbing, you went from, "she's not an expert media personality", to "therefore she works at Google purely as a diversity hire"? Pathetic how some people are threatened by women in the workplace
AlliBear ASMR
AlliBear ASMR 4 anos atrás
Had to watch this a few times to really absorb everything. So much real knowledge packed into one video. Definitely going to get his book.
Ben Weeks
Ben Weeks 4 anos atrás
18:15 Powerful story about a kidnapping negotiation in the Philippines. 45:34 Great answer for "When is it time for threat and retaliation?"
Pillbox Gaming
Pillbox Gaming 3 anos atrás
Bought your book sir after listening to two of your talks. Very intelligent and definitely someone with much for me to learn from.
Michael A.N. Winkler
Michael A.N. Winkler 2 anos atrás
Brilliant ..... why didn’t I know this 52 years ago? 😄 would have made so many things so much easier.
John Doe
John Doe 2 anos atrás
I’m learning not to take anything people say or do personally. Instead, I try to read between the lines of what they say and what they don’t say to get an idea of how they feel about me.
Liz Gichora
Liz Gichora 2 anos atrás
I Concur, attacks are a weak approach, along with lying. To manoeuvre the rail needs "Empathy" which goes a long ways. I love your honesty, thank you very much.
Erik Vose, NMD
Erik Vose, NMD 6 anos atrás
Very helpful talk, though I had trouble with the host's questions. Her nervousness puts me on edge but otherwise AMAZING!
N Szeven
N Szeven 3 anos atrás
Great talk. It's a shame that the audience seems to unresponsive and so many people are on their laptops.
Edward Cerverizzo
Edward Cerverizzo 4 anos atrás
@30:24 It sounds like a big part of negotiation is not necessarily getting your way, but finding as much information as possible for the best possible outcome.
Roy
Roy Anos atrás
Not the best possible outcome, it's about getting your way without making the other one feel bad about you. Why you people don't read his book?
isaacwest
isaacwest 2 anos atrás
You seek out information to find out where the other party is standing. Then you use that information to get them to see how you fit into that. And if you've done everything well enough you graciously allow them to have it your way.
Andrew
Andrew 2 anos atrás
Which is literally Splitting the Difference.
Ben Bax
Ben Bax 2 anos atrás
Chris Voss..... Brilliant man....
Marc Sherwood
Marc Sherwood 11 meses atrás
While I understand negotiating is part of reality, I feel that looking at it as a zero sum game, and a game the reality is lost. Empathy and understanding leads to mutual agreements. It is about understanding, and "speaking" human. When it is about winning the conversation it is tainted. To try to treat it as a formula seems very off to me.
ItaLo
ItaLo 3 anos atrás
The first 10 minutes in my opinion was perhaps the most powerful and be practiced immediately.
WookieDookie
WookieDookie 8 meses atrás
Geez one can really see the experience on Chris’ face and composure
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